How to save jobs and make them too.

Well it don't look like I will be running this country any time soon, but on the other hand I dare say I could make less of a cock up than the lot doing it now.

Say no to Automation
I was In the bank today paying in my Golden Handshake (well more of a size 9 footprint really but I Digress)
I was patiently waiting in a queue of people and asked if i would like to use the super Wizzo Machine.

Being a bit of a Luddite i declined and Proffered an explanation why not when asked.
" I refuse to use anything like taht cos anything that dispenses with the human element will eventually cost someone their job"
Its another reason I dont and YOU shouldnt use self service Tills at the Supermarket checkout.
It costs Jobs ,and jobs that are pretty much at the bottom of the Food chain.

You should refuse point blankly to deal with anybody in a call centre in Pune

If the company is in this country (The UK) why should I struggle to explain my woes with someone on another continent? besides its pennypinching from people who aint struggling right now .............The very people who hardship means having to cancel a round of Golf to go to a meeting on a wednesday.
Its not as if the customer service is going to be all that good either (No offence to the people of Pune but reading badly in your second language, out of a manual, on a premium rate line, is unlikely to help me much)
People can do the job in this country.

Put a temporary ban on overtime
38 hours is enough for anyone, and if you cant get it done in that time....... you need help from someone else.
You may well have aspirations of a New Patio,Bigger House, Nice new Car, but if you are doing 60 hours a week to pay for it you aint gonna have time to enjoy it anyway.
Overtime is not mandatory.
Get over it, Drop the asperations slightly..... get a life, and get someone else in to help you.
It has been proven you are less affective in the workplace after 6 hours or so anyway so the boss is not getting value for your Double time.

How is this going to help world trade and the bigger market? ..........Not sure, not my problem, Im just thinking about the REAL bigger picture ;)

PEOPLE!

A rest is as good as a change

Well that's me and the Cleaning company severed Ties.

It wasn't the poo it was the company BTW, but i wont bore you.
The managements attitudes stank worse than the turds ........
So here I am in Employment land.
Sure enough sooner or later the next opportunity will come a knocking unexpectedly, like a Jehovah's witness on a Sunday morning whilst you are enjoying a "lie in" with the Missus.

Anyway my schedule is loose once more and today's reading is the Jobcenter plus site,
Ah Jobcentre Plus.......what is the Plus?

Plus loads of paperwork?
Plus disinterested employees?
Plus aggravation and no chance of receiving benefits if you play the game honestly?

All of the above?

I would rather seive thru poo for grains of rice than deal with them again thats for sure.

anyway hopefully the next blog will be a bit more plesant.
Ta ta for now but I will return
Mark

Do not attempt it without the Gloves,Bullseye and Guitar hero.

There I was in a darkened Entrance Hallway clearing up a small pile of leaves............Hmm wont bother with the gloves cos its "clean" dirty stuff (If you need to wear rubber gloves all day you will understand why i didn't feel the urge)
The clean dirty stuff was OK until I put my hand through a Mouse that was quietly decaying in the shadows.
Suddenly that sandwich I was looking forward to was no longer as appetising.
It was sitting there all innocent looking till my fingers went through to unearth its pungent fermentation process.
Barf.

Mr imagination was keeping me company today whilst I whiled away my shift. today i imagined i was a contestant on Bullseye........ "Ta Da da da daddadada dada da da" anyway I had decided In my head every task would win my a sightly disappointing prize for my troubles.



Hinnnnnnnnnnnnn One ................A decomposing mouse in a pedal bin liner.
Hinnnnnnnnnnnnn Two................ A shrapnel damaged toilet with a little splashback on the seat
Hinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Three....... for all you water sports fans, a seeping urinal
Hinnnnnnnnnn Four......Treat yourself with this slightly Pungent Pedal bin.
Hinnnnnnnnnn five......Go dotty with this sprinkling of hole punch dots.

Or you could gamble it all for Bully's special prize a leaking bin bag full of "Brown Matter"

"Well Jim me and the lads have had a great day and will let someone else go for the biggun"

anyway i soon became bored of this game as you do cos the prizes wern't all that..

So my mind wandered back to the gaming shop i popped into on Saturday, I was looking for old and cheap x box games when I spotted this guy in the corner, in his 40s slightly balding pulling funny faces and fiddling with a piece of plastic whilst looking as a TV Screen.
Closer inspection showed this mini piece of plastic to be a pretend Guitar.
WTF did this guy look like .........well with all fairness due he looked like the sort of chap that still lived with his Mummy and slightly pathetic.
This made me chuckle to myself but slightly sad for him all in a heartbeat.
Now real Guitars they are great, they like the game take a bit to learn but unlike the game Chicks dig it.

Saying Yeah I can play a bit on the Guitar may cause a bit of ooohing and ahhing from your peers and that's all Cool and the Gang.
Even if you can only play Happy Birthday on the thing its still a Guitar ..........and remember chicks Dig it, even an unattractive chap can suddenly become more appealing with a Strat plugged into a Marshal,its Arty, its rebellious,Its cool, it shows you can play a musical instrument and have a certain level of intelligence.
It don't even matter if the largest place you play it to some friends in the living room, it equates to one thing.

Instant sex God just add some overdrive.

but..........

Standing in a games shop with a Pretend guitar, Gurning away and beating the shop owners high score? Its like bragging to friends......"well I'm really good at masturbating, well if I ever get my hands on a real woman, phew, oh yeah i was great"

Enjoy your day, I'm off for a kip now
laters
Mark

Hoovers with smiley faces, and why would I fake being me?

Smiley faces
I was vacuuming up the contents of a Hole Punch today that failed to hit the bin but inches away, suddenly it struck me as I turned around (Bloody silly place to leave a filing cabinet if you ask me.......but I digress......)

Anyway as I'm rubbing the lump on my head I turn to the vacuum cleaner. Why has it got a smiley face on it , Its like sucking up dust and detritus is a FUN FUN FUN thing to do.
I pondered this for some time and went into la la land as I tried to fathom Why?

Somewhere there was a board meeting ............

Ben: "Hmm Cleaning jobs......they are a it of a shit detail, what can we do to boost moral , ooh how about a mop that plays a tune when it gets wet Jerry?"

Jerry:" Nah they are a bit simple and will only break it"

Ben: "I know they all have the mentality of a 5 year old lets give them their own little friend in the form of a Hoover."

Jerry: "Genius! they can talk to it and feed it crumbs and the stuff that falls out of hole punches."

Ben: "That's settled then meeting adjourned ...........oh and shall we pay them a bit more cos the job is a bit poo to be frank?"

Jerry; "Nah fuck em!........ they will be too busy having fun with their new friend anyway"

Yeah right!

Fake me?
Cant go into too much detail but I'm having trouble getting my proper ID badge made up and this is an arse cos it means I need to park miles away on the other side of the site (and Boy is it a big site).
They have had Bills, Licences, Photo cards, Birth Certificate things with my national insurance number on it but still no Dice.

I don't have a Passport cos I don't go abroad and besides I'm scared shitless of flying.

I'm Pretty sure They have enough for credit fraud/Identity theft and are but a DNA strand from being able to clone me.
but still no card
I have no money in the bank, No savings and pretty much little of value so that's a Hiding to nothing anyway if it is credit fraud ID Theft.
Why would anyone want to fake being me anyway?, beats me so it cant be that.
So its got to be a security thing then, to stop thefts from the company.
ERM HELLO SCROLL UP what do i do for a living again?

I'm hardly going to wiffle a full Hoover bag under my coat out the gate am I , or a pair of poo soaked marigolds either.

The World has gone mad!

Laters
Mark

Tell me why I dont like Mondays?

Well here we are at the start of another Week . Well I suppose I had better start with a bit about me.
You may know me already but you may have googled me by accident and were lured in out of boredom, so I will make the assumption you are clueless about the ins and outs of my life.
My Name is Mark in 38 ish years old, and I'm a cleaner in a large company (I'm Afraid I'm going to need to keep that Vague for obvious reasons of this and that)

Why Blog of the Bog?
Well part of my job is cleaning Toilets and altho I will try to keep the Toilet humour to a minimum ,there is going to be some present obviously.........Its what I do for a living and that's a part of my life.
On the whole tho I try to busy my mind with anything else other than sticking my hand down a toilet and scrubbing the shrapnel off the pan.

So how does one become a cleaner?

Well In my case it involved 2 stints in College learning "trades that would stand me well for life" (HA HA) and various career moves ,and a patch of unemployment during the worldwide Recession.
So here I am at the juncture in my life doing what it takes to survive for now.

and on to the Monday thing.

Mondays for me mean there is a bigger mess than usual to clear up,since I don't work weekends and the place gets used as a wedding venue as well as its normal office block usage during the week things get messy.
Today was no exception to the rule.

So there I am at 6 am assessing the Damage

Now I'm no killjoy but Weddings and Alcohol do strange things to people, There will be toilet paper all over the floor, Unflushed toilets and the evidence of too much finger food upsetting tummy's.
Now this leaves me a bit puzzled,It also causes me to ask myself questions.

How mortal do you need to get to miss your own Arsehole with toilet paper?

How do they fail to hit a Toilet

Why would they leave a Vase in a Toilet?

What sort of Gig was it to involve people using lots of cable ties in the Toilets? (I'm not sure i want to know the answer to that.....It all looked a bit Deviant to me)

How do you Guys manage to keep your own Toilets from blocking at home without my help?

and

Why is it the ladies that's always in the worst state? well you are sitting down for Starters the paper is on the floor beside the toilet.....................how does that work?

Anyway its all pristine again now, and Its what I do to keep the Wolves from the door.....Mus sent grumble!

but anyway enough of me chuntering on about Toilets.

I'm off to ponder life the Universe and everything.....

Be nice, have fun.......... and be sure to say "Hello" to the cleaner when you walk past them. Maybe even ask them about the weekend , cos they are sure as hell trying to find any distraction to take their mind off what they just put their hand in...................and what exactly was that that dripped out of the bin on to their shoes?

We are but human ;)


Laters
Mark