Blow it out keep it in.

I'm not a person that expects a lot out of life , I don't go around whining why is the world not my Lollipop Usually …
Well that's the odd thing if you were to judge me on the basis of my Blog alone , you would guess otherwise.
I can assure you I'm really quite an upbeat person really.
The thing Is If you surround yourself with misery for too long It will start to rub off on you.
And I see a lot of miserable people.
I dont do religion, If it works for you then great but its just not for me , Its a topic for another (If slightly duller) day.
There is however one thing I try to stick with (apart from don't kill anyone bit in most of these moral guide books.....cos that what I see them as) and its a bit derived from Buddisim.
“You may not be able to control a situation, but you can control your response to the situation”
Cut down to the bone , It gives you power, If something upsets/ annoys you it is your choosing to be upset/annoyed., you just pause before it goes too far, Rationalise it and shrug it off... Well sometimes.
We all however need a release valve, and that where this blog comes in, Its the valve.
Its a dark corner I can Let it out, Its like going out the back at work and kicking the shit out of the dustbins without the stubbed toe.
When you trot back into the mayhem after the outburst, Some will nod sagely and go “ That better then?” Some will back away slightly, Some will walk past you to kick those bins themselves, and some will have a laugh at what a Tit you made of yourself.
The thing is I really don't care what you get out of it (in the nicest possible way) Its all about me.
However If you get what you need by reading these bin Kickings then that's great also..
I have just read back through this and realised I tend to type the Phrase “The thing is” quite a bit, and I have no Idea why.
But then again (Oh shit, another overused phrase of mine) ITS ALL ABOUT ME, Its not a piece of created writing I'm handing in for a thesis, Its not a report for work and If I'm Honest im really not doing this to Impress None of you Motherfuckers... got that? Still here?
GOOD :D
Well that's all for now Bogbloggers, but I have got some recommended reading for you. There are Two people on this very Blog thingie that are both interesting and make my ramblings look very lightweight.
You could do a lot worse than check out Faeriefuckwit (correct spellings may vary) and The Constant Avenger,
Both blogs are written with a lot of flair , by two very interesting people.
Also if you like this sort of Crap Dead End Job Ramblings I put out, You could do well to search out a Book by a Guy called Ben Hamper, The book is called Rivethead.
Rivethead is pretty much the thing that started me on this Blog , It has had an influence on the way I write it too. Its pretty much the guys life Story, from fucking up School, substance abuse, ending up in a dead end Job, The people around them and his observations of them,Losing it, and finally ending up dealing with his demons.
It sounds really shit but its compulsive I promise you.

One last thing, I really dont know it anyones noticed a trend with a lot of my titles... answers to the usual address :)
Laters.
M

Just a little bit of History repeating.......

Nothing for ages and then 3 in one week , you lucky lucky people,...(both of you that read this)
So what gives, Check the title.
Remember way back in the early days some of you will remember I struggled in proving I could work in this country.
Well Its happened again during the tail end of last year with this new job.
I'm from Australia , I cannot help that, but I know nothing of the place , I was a toddler when I cme to the UK.
I'm 40 now so you would guess If it was going to be a problem It would happen a bit before 24 years into my working life in the UK.
But NO, I am an Illegal immigrant in the eyes of my employer until I can prove otherwise.
I provided it all , My Birth cert, My parents birth cert (English by decent) to anyone in a personnel department worth their salt.
(I WILL BE PUTTING TAGS IN IN CASE ANYONE IN THIS LINE OF WORK WHO HAPPENS TO BE OF THE HARD OF THINKING VARIETY CAN READ THIS AND REALISE HOW STUPID THEY WOULD BE TO DO THIS TO SOMEONE)
Like the Woman on Little Britain I got the Computer says no Response.
I then provided my marriage cert (A bit of a clue as I am marred to an English person and you cant do that without lots of faff if you cannot prove you belong here)
Computer says No
P45
Computer says no
P60.
You will notice that both of the documents will include an Ni Number
Computer says No
I Phoned them up at this stage with me very English and Londonish Accent
Computer says No
I would need to write off to the Home office and pay them for the privilege for providing me with a piece of paper that says I am an Englisher
This took 6 weeks and was just a shade under £100
Computer says no as it is not conclusive proof that I can work in this country.
Now bear in mind This is some 10 weeks into starting a new Job and bills are piling up right left and centre, (and they will let me work but wont pay me)
I started to lose my temper a bit.
Eventually after a couple of exchanges, they relented to give me some of the money I was owed.
Just enough to keep me alive, but fuck up any plans I had to enjoy the Xmas period.
And here is the beautiful bit.
I NEED to get a passport or they will stop paying me, So I have coughed up for one of those too.
I also received a shitty letter telling my I would be unemployed on this first of this month If I didnt supply it by then.
FANfuckingtastic, so I have worked my Bollocks off for a company that will happily throw me out on my arse at the strike of midnight new years eve.
I have been clearing up Tramps Shit and Syringes, whilst having beer cans thrown at me and being sworn at, and all for a bunch of Tossers who don't fully understand Employment law and when it is actually OK to revert to Common sense.
This bunch of bellends think its OK to dock my Money , make me fork out for things to prove what should be bleeding obvious to an imbecile (even though they have docked my Money making forking out for such things very tight. They think its OK to put a shadow over my Xmas Break. Even though I have been a model Employee and an Ambassador for the company.
The update is I still have a job for now, but its really dampened my enthusiasm for this company.
So in short Personnel Fuckwit
It may well be against your sensibilities to deviate from the company line to any degree.
You may have lines you never cross policy wise.
I have always had a policy that I don't work for a shower of Under trained amateur Cunts
On this occasion I'm turning a Blind Eye, I personally think Its time to reciprocate.
Oh and I really hope your next shit is a Pineapple
Love and Kisses
M

Waaaah BodyfoRRRRm Bodyforrrm for YOOOOOO!

Waaaaaaagh BodyfooooooooooooRRRRm for yeeeeeeeeeuu!
Right I'm really sure you would love to hear my take on the Olympics? Well If I'm Honest I couldn't give a flying fuck.
Next question..........
but this leads me to what I really want to go on about.....
Building design.
I live in a town that has recently Knocked down a striking (If Piss stinking and Bleak) Bus Station.
This has been replaced with something that I can only describe as something that looks like it should be trimming Bikini lines.
It is Hideous and I seriously doubt it will age well either, Yes it is striking but its one of these buildings that is mostly outside (If that makes sense) It affords little in the line of shelter to the elements.
Thing is the building it replaced at least did that, So we lost something shit and got something shitter that does not do as much as the forerunner
This strikes me as a bit odd?
WTF has this to do with the Olympics?
Well talking of Design, Buildings and ladygardens
What is the Olympic swimming place supposed to look like?
Well Google the roof view …...Now is it just me, or does it look like a Giant pantyliner?
Makes you wonder what these Designers are taking us for , I have my Theory and in sticking to it.
Laters

but all I got was bitter and a Nasty little rash

Did I ever say I was shit at keeping going on Stuff?
Well here I am again, after a slight pause, I didn't actually realise anyone was interested in this pile of old Toot I spit out in the dusty corners of the internet.
I had a nudge about carrying on and posting more a while back.
I took it as politeness, and then just yesterday I was asked again whatever happened to your Blog?
So I'm guessing, Now is as gooder time as any to continue with the thinly veiled mindless ranting, with a bit of childish Puerility thrown in for good measure.
So what have you missed, Not a lot. A few nut bar customers here and there , countless ones if I'm honest, but hey ho the customer is always right even though they are not always right in the head.
So what's happening now
I'm back on the tools full time in probably the scuzziest Shopping centre in the southern hemisphere.
What the....HOW? Well here's the thing, I got fed up where I was and decided it was high time to sack the company that was working (Or not) for me.
Without details they were getting on my tits...........Its was all a bit too raaah raahh down with the peasants and up with us, Too much stick and not enough carrot if you will.
Firstly I decided being boss man was not for me, so I demoted myself to cleaner.
Then the work got thinner and thinner, and the people I was Working for changed so many times I took it as a hint that all was not healthy and it was time to hit the road.
I had a rumour that someone I had previously worked for and got on really well with had some work going, so I got in touch . They wanted me on-board , and I jumped ship.
It was good Money and an interesting Job, I have been craving interesting for a while.....
Unfortunately I failed their Medical (Nothing serious but not something I can change)
So there I was on Friday morning with nothing to go to on Monday
Ooopsie!
Then I got a call from someone else I had previously worked with and got on well with , Mark we have a job for you, this will suit you down to the ground.
Let me put it this way the moment they said “Mark we have a job for you”, I pretty much signed on the line, considering my options ,I.e. NONE!
So now I am working in said Scuzzy shopping centre and my days involve Shit, Piss, Needles Shouty Bosses, Im in charge of Errant cleaners akin to taking a holiday or sickie at the drop of a hat.
Everyone has a Childish behaviour and a general I cant be arsed attitude, Oh and I'm on Less money than I was on before.
But I have a Job.
So that's got you up to speed.
Other than i have an itchy rash of spots on my arms and legs, Its annoying but not overly so........
I will be back when I have something interesting to say
Laters and be nice to your cleaner
M

Take pride in your work....even if it not something to be Proud of

So once again its been too long....Sorry to my one subscriber.
Anyway Im temporarily taking part in the buisness end of things again (no explanation given or needed)
Im in an office type enviroment for a couple of hours Cleaning as opposed to pen pushing.
Im not grumbling I actually find it theraputic compared to the beaurocracy I usualy contend with.

It also gives me an insite and a timely reminder of what people working for me need to go through on a daily basis.
Now part of this gig involves collecting cups and filling a Dishwasher....easy peasy eh!
The worst bit is hunting the buggers down, some make it back to the sink but others could be anywhere and everywhere.
If I dont find them all its a big black mark on my report card and stern words.
but enough of the boring stuff and back story.
I like to make the people who work for me feel important ,and at this particular gig I sense apathy.
Why ........well a week of doing this gig has pretty much spelt it out for me.
Cleaning is a fast paced Business.....Its also one where people will notice the one thing you missed and be oblivious to the 30 things you did really well.
If i miss the bin you hid under the desk while working late, its cos I didnt want to disturb you and gain a withering look for my troubles.
Hoovers make noise .......sorry bout that! If it disturbs you get in the office earlier, im here every night like clockwork.
and if I dont vacuum I get a bollocking, A Paddington Bear stare Is not going to cut the mustard from me.
Is it really that difficult to turn around and put a Teabag in the bin behind you?
If you leave stuff beside the bin put a label on it, If you want it gone......Well im a cleaner not Derren Fucking Brown.
Assumption is the mother of all fuckups, If i bin it and you need it.... the end result is interogation with the end result of me needing to Dumpster Dive.
Give us a fucking clue......

Snotty Tissues.........There is a fucking swine flu epedemic going on put it in the Bin dont leave it on the desk i dont need to inspect it......and whilst on the subject of bins.....

You are supplied with a bin and its not a difficult device to use. If you have a paper cup full of coffee pour it down the sink if it goes cold, I dont want it over my legs/feet cheers......Hot office spilt milky fluids make me smell like a cheese factory towards the end of my shift .........Its Cuntish, dont do it!
If you jam so much shit in the bin, and the bag slips off the rim you are doing it wrong!!!!!!!

Besides you are there to work and if your bin is filled with Food wrappers and your table is filled with cups.....you aint working that hard.
and lastly back to the Cups......to get a second cup of Coffee etc you need to go to the Kitchen right?
Now heres a inovative idea!
pick up the empty cup and take it back to the kitchen....you are going there anyway :)

Sorry to moan but i am a Cleaner at the mo , im not a fucking wetnurse

Peace out
M

Yeh I know its been too long, Old war wounds etc

Here I am again after a while of absense, I have a new job funnily enough as the Organ Grinder and not the Monkey this time.
Enough of this needless gloating tho and on to todays subject matter.........

War wounds everyone has them and they always bite you back at some stage, wheter its 20 years down the line or the next morning when you have sobered up.
Today I am limping ever so slightly its the change in the weather I think ,but how do you explain why you are limping in these situations especially when what caused them is in fact rather silly.

Well this perticular war wound involved much Alcohol and a Bicycle expedition to the local all night Tescos..

There i was riding along (On the pavement Officer) Turning my head occasionally, talking to my friend whilst riding.
...........and then I rode straight down a flight of stairs.
Not something to put on ones CV is it.
or the one that involved broken ribs in a Jack Daniels fueled Unicycling incident.
Its always seems like such a good idea at the time tho........

Laters
Mark

Apathy makes the world go round and clocks spin faster

The stale routine of gainful unemployment has once again sucked the get up and go from me.
My current get up and go involves getting up and going to the computer in search of gainful employment.

I'm thrown into the unfortunate position that the search involves me considering doing 1001 things that have little interest to me, but will do for now.
Another thing is I can sniff out a bad employer in under a paragraph.
Phrases like conforms to Minimal wage etc and the Alarm bells ring.
How the hell am I supposed to muster up any enthusiasm for the mundane in that situation?
"Oh yes sir I live to stuff envelopes and putting labels on bottles of Bubble bath.............. yes sir I'm more than happy to do it for someone who is going to pay me the bare minimum you can get away with........and yes sir I will be eternally grateful...... meek and mealy mouthed whilst being treated with pure contempt........wear the companies colours with pride....Have no future prospects......will pray to the bubble bath gods ..........and yes sir I can boogie".
40 hours a week is a long time to spend doing something you hate, for someone you would only urinate on if they were on fire and you could piss petrol.

So where does that leave me? amongst the unfortunates that populate the Jobcentre Plus.(I have yet to find the Plus in the place BTW)
No chance, I have walked that plank cap in hand, in my hour of need, and amongst the reams of paperwork and Inquisitions on the minutae of my comings and goings, there seems to be some small print I have missed.

Those of an Honest disposition need not apply.

I dont have 14 kids an ASBO and a Heroin habit to feed by selling knock off DVDs down the Car Boot.

Thing is how many people say "Oh I'm so bored not having a job", I can say hand on heart I could easily find enough happy distractions to fill my day, but I don't.
I spend 8-9 hours a day looking for work ,filling in forms adapting the CV to suit each one
It was worse when I was dealing with the Jobcenter, cos I had to take time out to prove to them I was a good boy too, turned out that was a distraction and a hiding to nothing anyway.
Add on a bit of housework and paperwork and it equates to a day at the office.

Oh to sit in my Keck's scratching my Arse and playing X Box...... but my conscience wont let me.
Weekends tend to blur into Weekdays and besides since in a dependant of my Wife, The catholic guilt ingrained in me from childhood wont let me have fun.
Repent for your sins young man......... go forth to the Garden Centre and wash thy Dishes with aplomb........for you are truly a burden on the world.

They say the devil makes work for idle hands to do, I say anything over £6 an hour, 20 days paid leave and he is on.

Laters and be lucky
Mark